I have no fear of tackling light
do-it-yourself projects around my home. My fearlessness is completely
inexplicable, considering that each time I try one of these projects,
it turns into a cross between episodes of I Love Lucy and Home
Improvement. The stories I could tell are legion, but I will focus on
today's DIY project.
More than a year ago, I bought the
materials to install a simple shelf on the wall behind my couch. They
have sat there, collecting dust, right next to the couch all that
time because there were always more pressing things to do. But
finally, the time came to do it. That means that I had another
project to do (a work project) that I didn't want to do even more
than I didn't want to try hanging that shelf. So, faced with a truly
odious task, it was now time to take a “few minutes” to install
that long-overdue sofa shelf.
I moved the couch, which is way heavier
than it looks, by the way, away from the wall, creating a space
slightly smaller than what I could comfortably wedge my cetacean form into. But, with some effort, I was able to get back there, I
just couldn't move after I was there. I had thought ahead to get out
my cordless screwdriver (my Aunt Jo always says, “All of my
screwdrivers are cordless.”), but it is also a drill, and I needed
both. I took a pencil and measuring tape with me as well. I usually
also bring all sorts of rulers, levels, and my fancy electronic stud
finder along for jobs like this, too, but I decided to try a
different approach today. I have found that, after employing all of
these devices, I end up getting things crooked and drilling about six
holes more than are needed. What I mean is, I drill six holes that
have to be redrilled because I got them in the wrong place after all
of my careful measuring and leveling. I couldn't even find the stud
finder today. It's okay, since it didn't work anyway. I used it
several times, but I never did find a good-looking guy to do these
DIY projects for me. Ha ha. The truth is, in my entire home, there
appear to be about a total of 13 studs. There will be two in a space
of eight inches, and then not another for the next six feet. It's
completely random and incomprehensible. And I really never did figure
out how the electronic stud finder with an echolocation system
worked. I never once successfully located a stud with it. And I mean,
the kind that are inside the walls.
So, my new approach was this: Just
eyeball where the metal shelf support strips should go, mark the
screw holes with the pencil, drill, and screw them in. I really
couldn't imagine that I could come out any worse with this
guesstimation method than I've done in the past with all of the
proper tools. So, half-crouching between the wall and the couch,
barely able to reach down far enough to drill the hole closest to the
floor, I hit the trigger on the drill. Nothing happened. It had lost
its charge. I plugged it in and tried again. ErrrErrrErrrrrrr...and
then it stopped. I had to leave the whole job for awhile to give the
drill time to recharge. This is the problem with these “cordless”
tools. Mine get used so infrequently that they have to be charged
every single time I need them. I moved to get out from behind the
couch, barely touched the container of carefully sorted screws that I
had set precariously on the back of the couch, and they plummeted to
the floor, leaving not even one screw in the container. I huffed
about that but didn't even feel moved to swear at the screws (whose
fault this obviously was).
After picking up the screws and dumping
them, unsorted, back into the container, I went about my other
business while giving the drill time to recharge. Now, during this
time, my two cats were in distress. You see, the back of the couch is
their favorite place to hang out and take long naps. Especially if
I'm on the couch, which I usually am. But here was their favorite
piece of furniture, pulled away from the wall, with a shelf running
the length of the cushions, and tools strewn all along their usual
resting place. They kept jumping up to check things out, and left in
disappointment over the upheaval they found there. Arthur finally
just lay on top of the drill and settled in for his nap. Arthur could
sleep on broken glass and concertina wire.
Finally, the drill was suitably
charged, and I got back to my project. I hung the first metal strip
(the kind with holes in it that a bracket fits into that holds the
shelf). I had three strips to hang, and each one had three holes for
screws. Nine total, so this would take no time at all. I went back to
my pencil marks, drilled the holes, and starting screwing the first
strip onto the wall, starting with the bottom hole first. However, I
had somehow mismarked the top hole. I then realized that I should
have just marked the top hole, screwed it on, and then the strip
would hang straight and I could put the rest of the screws in with no
trouble at all. Except for the part where my rather considerable
girth barely allowed me to reach the bottom hole. So, with only one
out of three holes having to be redrilled, I moved onto the second
strip. I did better this time, by starting at the top. It turned out
that I didn't even need the drill because there were no studs to be
found behind the soft surface of the drywall, so that even I was able
to just run the screws in with a screwdriver with almost too much
ease. I got the second strip in also with only one misplaced hole. It
looked like I was going to come in well under par on unnecessary
holes in the wall.
Now, if I could have stepped back to
review my work, I would have immediately seen the problem. But, what
with being tightly wedged into my workspace, stepping back was not an
option. On I went to installing the third and final strip. I got it
hung with great ease and not a single extra hole! By this time, I was
at the end of the couch, so I was able to look down the wall at the
other strips. The one I'd just done and the middle one were fine. But
the first one! Good lord! Imagine a clock face. The top of the strip
should have been at twelve o'clock, with the bottom at six o'clock.
But the top of the strip was at about 1:45! With it lining up
straight with the floor at the bottom, how could I have possibly
gotten so far off by the time I got to the top? So, I had to redrill
the middle and top holes yet again.
The cats had continued to patrol around
the couch, like so many sharks circling a surfing championship. As I
redrilled the final holes, I said out loud to Arthur and Molly, “You
all have no idea what I'm doing, do you?” It then occurred to me
that I had no idea what I was doing either. In fact, the cats might
have been able to think this job out just as well as I had. This made
me laugh out loud, which only added to their perception that I'd gone
off my rocker, I'm sure.
 |
| You may think that I should have placed the shelf below the back of the couch, but that part was not by accident. I had several reasons for placing it where I did. So, it turned out exactly as I had hoped it would. |
So, having taken just five times longer
(or so) than I'd anticipated, the job was done. And, as my DIY
projects go, it came in well under par not only in unnecessary holes
in the wall, but also in temper tantrums. And the shelf looks pretty
darned good, I must say.
